“ I remember going to my bathroom to shower, just cryingggg from how much my butthole hurt and what had just happened”… ‘THE TALK with YOMMY’ - (RAPE SERIES)


THIS IS A TRUE STORY. THIS IS A RAPE STORY. THIS IS X’s STORY. 

 

Hi , who else missed our series? Well I did. Welcome back to “THE TALK with YOMMY!”. 

This is a safe space for women to speak their truth. This is a safe space for women to share their stories. Today, I’ll be sharing X’s story with you. 

 

Remember we only send love to rape victims. We don’t blame them for what happened to them and we don’t drop insensitive comments πŸ¦‹

 

A forced YES is a NO!

A YES said out of fear is a NO!

RAPE is simply RAPE!

An invitation to hang out is not an invitation for sex!

Stop victim blaming!

 

X’s STORY

 

“Hello,

 

So my story begins June/July 2018. I met this guy on Tinder.  We started talking, migrating from Tinder to WhatsApp and Snapchat eventually.  

 

I was so emotionally invested in him and for me, that means whenever someone has a problem I go out of my way to help them.  Sometimes he would call me that he needed to get a train ticket or buy food and that he’ll pay my back and I’ll send him money.

 

Anyway,  I digress for a reason, back to my story. Sometimes he would say things that made me uncomfortable or keep pushing me to show him my boobs, I never did but I always brushed it off as nothing. 

 

He would also always bring up sex and I would always be like I’m definitely not having sex with anyone I don’t love or see myself being long term with.

 

One day in August 2018, he said he wanted to come see me, I told him he could come but that  if he was coming for sex he should not bother because I wasn’t having sex with him. I also reiterated this the day he was meant to come and he basically said ‘what do you take me for I’m  not coming for that’.

 

Anyways he got to mine, we were watching a movie and he turned to kiss me, I basically reminded him that I didn’t want to have sex and it was better if we never started.

 

He went on to be like we would just make out so it’s calm.  Then as I was giving him head he was saying things like “I won’t cum from head, I hardly do, I need to have sex with you, either anal or vaginal, why did you make me come all the way from London, you’re not a baby anymore stop acting like one”.

 

At this point I started to feel uncomfortable, it was like my body just froze and I had retreated into my head.  I just remember thinking about how I should run away from my own house, I remember doing a mental checklist of any friends I could go to theirs.  I thought about running out and calling the police but I quickly discarded that idea telling myself that they won’t believe me because I invited him to my house. I thought about running to the retail park 20 minutes walk away from my house but I was like it’s too far.

 

My thoughts were interrupted by him trying to have anal sex with me. It basically brought me back to what was actually going on.  I remember thinking “okay this is definitely happening so why not just do it that way it isn’t a painful traumatic experience”.   I remember saying “stop it hurts, let’s just have sex”.  He understood I meant vaginal sex and very quickly my body was flipped over.

 

 

I remember he asked for Vaseline because I was too tight. I remember he said “just relax it would hurt a lot more if you don’t relax”.  I remember at some point he asked if I was okay.  I remember the moment he pulled out and walked off.

 

I remember going to my bathroom to shower, just cryingggg from how much  my butthole hurt and what had just happened.

 

I was so distraught that I didn’t think of locking the door.  I remember he walked in and asked if I was okay again and all I did was nod.

 

I remember that after that I made food for both of us, I brushed off my pain and focused on “I have had sex”.  I remember his mother called, they had a conversation and after we laughed.

 

 

We laughed but deep inside me, I was so uncomfortable to sleep on the same bed with him.

 

I remember him waking me up to have with me at like midnight and me saying I’m tired then moving to the very end of the bed.  I remember he woke me up in the morning and was like let’s have sex before I go.

 

I remember thinking “don’t struggle let it just happen so he can leave”.

 

He left and I got a morning after pill to be on the safe side.

 

After he left, I basically buried the unpleasant bits and just focused on the I had had sex bit. Basically repainting the experience to be one of excitement.

 

 

For 3 months after that, I still felt uncomfortable with him so I stopped picking his calls or calling but I still replied his text.   I still met up with him and his cousin once. 

 

Then one faithful day I was scrolling through Twitter and people were sharing their sexual abuse/ rape story.  I read this babe’s story  and it felt like she had lived the very experience I had.  That’s when it hit me.   I had been abused.

 

I told him what he did to me was not okay and then blocked him everywhere.  I crieddddddd.  I told some of my friends.  Some people invalidated my experience, I remember one person in particular said “you said yes in the end abi so it wasn’t rape” but some of my friends were so supportive.  Even internet friends too were so supportive.

 

Sometime in 2020, I told his cousin…. His cousin said “I don’t see him trying to force himself unto anyone but I will call him and talk to him to get his side” amongst other things then sent me back the money I was owed.

 

Anyways more than 3 years and a few therapy sessions later, I still struggle to say I was raped, I still blame myself for being on tinder and letting him come to my house.  I know that I shouldn’t blame myself because it’s his fault but it’s still a struggle.

 

Sometimes I get angry that I didn’t report him.  Sometimes I am like if I reported him then maybe I could prevent other women from experiencing the same thing.

 

I have told my story a few times but this is the first time I am explaining it in so much detail.

 

I just hope that any girl that has gone through rape or abuse knows that they aren’t alone.  I hope that not only do they know but that they also accept that it wasn’t their fault. I hope that my story helps other people.

 

Thank you for the safe space to share my story”

 

 

X literally gave a conclusion. It’s not your fault. You aren’t alone. Sooooooo sorry you had to go through that.

 

 

Love, YOMMY AYILARA. 

 


 

I’m curious and I need answers…πŸ¦‹

 


I’m really curious. Honestly, sometimes it gets tiring that when we talk about relationships, we don’t talk about growth or enrichment. We mostly talk about ‘suffer head’. Then I wonder, what’s the point? Isn’t it better to remain in your space than to let someone in just to complicate it?


It’s really common in this part of the world. One minute, you’re having a good time and starting a conversation about how beautiful you want your relationship to be, and the next thing, an “older person” is smiling at you and telling you “it doesn’t work that way”. 


They make a long list of something that sounds a lot like frustration to you and you’re left wondering - “So what then is the point?”


Next minute, you’re sitting and having a good time, evaluating and rearranging your life and you decide not to want to get involved in that aspect because nothing about it gives you ‘dream vibes’ - Next minute, the same ‘older person’ is taking offence - ‘why would you say that?’ - ‘So you don’t want a relationship’ - ‘So you eventually do not want children’ - ‘What’s wrong with people of this generation’ - And you’re there shocked! ‘Waitttt! I thought the last time I asked you, you made a list of things I had to ‘endure’ because another human being wasn’t built to be kept accountable by society, why then are you mad I don’t want to even get involved’… 


I saw a tweet the other day - (the image of the post) - I want you all to tell me honestly- Why do we always tally about constraint, limitations and sacrifices when we talk about relationships? Is that the concept? Is that it for the women? Are you supposed to keep on making choices that might leave you unhappy because you want to maintain something?

Is the concept supposed to be based on your unhappiness? 

I’ll be attaching peoples replies here… 

You can leave your comments here - Maybe, just maybe, I’ll do a part two. 


(And now, don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about. Most people do, I know you get the point. Yes, you might not be experiencing it, but you understand these factors I’m talking about)

There was a trending tweet a while ago and a girl explained how her ‘boyfriend’ gave her the condition to either go for her masters program abroad which was a fully funded scholarship or stay in the relationship. The comment section was filled with people telling her that her relationship was ‘important’ (I’m grateful for the few that told her that she should put her self development first and that he didn’t truly love her) - However, the truth is that a lot of people put her development second, they expected her to be constrained, to sacrifice. 


So then, is that the concept? Is the concept right? And truly, is it advantageous? Because it really does not seem like it to me… 

Doing ‘ME’ or Doing ‘THEM’?


You know life is so funny. You want to do something and then surprisingly, something else takes your time and you skip it. That has been my struggle with writing one article every week and even stepping up my writing career.

Indeed, you can never get the hang of your life if you don't find balance mentally. Mental balance is so underrated. 


As a writer, it's so hard. Writing is like pouring out your feelings into paper. It's so hard when you are numb and cannot feel. People expect you to write because that's your job, but there is no way you can because you're not feeling.


Sometimes, I write and just delete everything because ‘what is this, I'm not feeling it’. It happens. I lose balance and have to start all over again.

It's harder when you have a topic and a deadline. Omggggggg! 


Now, this makes me think about our lives as women. We have lists of expectations from society because we are some sort of way. Everyone expects the same thing from every woman. They snooze and forget that women should have choices and they also should have space and time for their mental balance. It doesn't work that way.


The pressure to do things a particular way. The pressure to follow the order. ‘Get married immediately after school and start having children’ - what if I'm not mentally ready for that. What if I want to take my time. What if I am not excited about that yet. What if I want to continue with school?’. “Never! You can do your masters in your husbands house, I did it to so you can” - Well, I can't. I won't. 


People need space! Let people explore their lives individually.Someone started that system. It's okay to start yours. It's okay to be unique. It's okay to wait. It's okay to check your mental capacity. Don't rush into stuff because society has put a margin on your age. At the end of the day, it's you against the world. 


(I do not own the picture used)

Happy New Year 🀍

Have you tried silence?



When the noise gets too much, and the motivational quotes don’t seem to be working

When the tears get so hot, and the skin seems to be burning

When the feelings get deep, and the heart seems to me breaking

When you say no, but your mind plays ‘not hearing’ 

Have you tried silence? 


Have you tried to take breaks from the noise?

Have you tried to stay away from the storm?

Have you tried running away?

Have you tried staying off?

Have you tried silence?


I know, I know, you are to face your fears

But what happens when your fears face you chest to chest?

What happens when your fears give you panic attacks?

What happens when the noise seems to be making you deaf?

What happens?


Have you tried silence?

Have you tried running away?


The renewal and refill?

The entire process of getting away from the noise and breaking free?


Have you tried crying?

Have you tried screaming?

Have you tried sleeping?

Have you tried breathing?


Have you tried silence?

Sometimes, when the fear faces you, try silence

Try running, try hiding and get breathing

Just try


Try getting your head together

Don’t face your fears trembling

Face them when you have prepared for war

Take a break to prepare


Try breaks

Try distance


Try silence


Yommy AYILARA

5:27pm 

8th December, 2021. 

I did a little thing…

 



A lot of us talk about our rights, but when it comes to women, we draw the line. I wonder how the separation began because basically, women’s rights are human rights. Women = Humans.

It is alarming that people do not see the importance, maybe because it is restricted to a gender - it's like ‘yes, we have the freedom of speech’ - but it's with a woman we draw the line - ‘hey girl, don't talk too much, don't you know it’s not lady-like’ - how a basic right has been tailored to suit a specific group of people surprises me. 

Knowingly and unknowingly, people have let their bias into various aspects in the world. Just a few days ago, I had a huge argument with my course mates over a law they made in my faculty’s constitution. If you read the introduction to this blog, you'll see I told you about my course - UPDATE - I'm in my final year btw! 500 level law! (drum rollsπŸ˜‚) .

So back to the story - y'all are aware that law students dress in uniforms - Black and White for everyone. However, there is a modification - instead of black, law students are allowed to wear either a navy blue/dark grey trouser (boys) or skirt (girls) - Note that's the general rule. Now to the main story - The people in power (who are students btw) made a rule decided that the exception of navy blue and dark grey is just for the boys and that girls should stick to just black skirts.

My first reaction was WHY? Y’all know me, I had to represent. I know most people felt that it was a little thing, I mean it's just the colour of skirts - but I knew what that meant. It starts from the little things - the little little discrimination.

I asked why it had to be so and I absolutely disagreed. I made my points saying that it was very wrong to make a gender specific rule. I made up my mind to buy navy blue skirts and dark grey skirts from next semester and intentionally flaunt the rule because that is a discriminatory rule. 

They kept on arguing and arguing but I did not stop. At this point, many other girls joined me and the end of the day, they informed us they would scrap that part of the law. I still insisted that if they didn't, we(us girls) would wear those colours and they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. As I am typing this, they still haven't changed the rule but I've been seeing a number of girls putting on navy blue/grey (I loveettt). I can't wait for Christmas break so I can go shopping and buy navy blue and grey skirts. We have the right to! 

Now this shows the basic - Women's Rights are Human Rights. People are not only supposed to draw the line when it comes to women. They mostly do this because a lot of women do not query the customs. 

#16daysofActivism #OrangetheWorld 

WOMAN, YOU ARE BOMB!



I picked up my pen again today and I decided to write about something very uncomfortable. I have tried to avoid writing about this topic for a while, lol.

I know how uncomfortable the truth can be – deep down, you know something is wrong but you still wouldn’t want to accept the truth because you have clouded your mind so much that you are comfortable swimming in lies. It has been quite hard for me to accept some things about myself – I can relate to how hard it is to navigate your way around accepting what the truth is, and trying so hard to leave room for your ideas.

At the end of it all, you give up with the hide and seek and just accept the truth for exactly what it is.

 I am always ready to open my mind to new ideas (that make sense). To be honest, it has helped me a lot because it’s usually like a rebirth for me, like, I am growing into a totally new person and the peace that comes with it is divine.

I want people to understand the system and notice the dent. Open your minds and accept it as plain as it sounds – it’s that easy – of course –women, again – 

I say this a lot – I do not believe “boys will be boys” – never, and never will. 

One more things is – “girl, you don’t owe anyone any explanation on why you live according to your terms”. 

Some days ago, I posted something on my Twitter, asking what people would love to read in a feminist book and someone’s reply struck me – she said – 

“I’d like to see parts where feminism is about choice. Often times working class women or independent women tend to criticize house wives, or women who are not as independent as them. 

That ‘Choice’ factor would be interesting to navigate”

 

When I read that, I `decided to talk about “choices” – when everything is brought to a point, we should note that the summary of it all is “choice” – the right to decide what you want to do with your life because your life belongs to you and shouldn’t be policed by what society thinks is expected of you because of your gender. 

I totally get the drive – women everywhere have the absolute right to think and decide what they want BUT,let us not overlook the fact that many women make the decision to stay home and be house wives because the society has made them believe that it is okay to do that – “it is normal” and “that is actually how it is meant to be”. I am very open to ideas on a lot of issues but I sat down to think about this factor and that was the only thing that came to my mind. 

Let me break this down a little bit –society would never accept a man who wants to stay at home and do chores, a man who does not want to contribute to the finances of the family – so, the summary is, no man would openly want to do that – society has dictated a factor and literally all men live by it. 

Now, moving to the women - from the start, society has made it known “a woman’s place is in the house doing chores and not in the streets making money”. Women just feel it is okay to be totally dependent on other people for absolutely everything. Women make these decisions because of patriarchy. A lot of us feminists, started by stating these points, we call it “choice feminism”- we did feminism in a way so that we could be acceptable by the society. We spent hours explaining to people that we are not the “bitter feminists” or the “bad feminists” because we still felt we needed validation and acceptance. 

… 

We all have the right to make our “choices”, everyone has the right to decide what they want for themselves but, the question is, are you making this choice because you are rooted in patriarchal beliefs or is it just a choice? (Well, I don’t believe it is ‘just a choice' but okay). 

“Dear woman, do you feel it’s okay to stay at home because you have been told “that is where you belong” or do you just want to stay at home because you love the interior decoration? (I know you don’t enjoy staring at the sofa all day).  Do you stay at a spot because you were told to do so and you are trying to “to keep your home” as you’ve been told to do so, or did you just decide?’’

If you decided,  is your decision based on the fact that you have been told to always compromise all your life? Is your decision rooted in patriarchy? Are you confused and feeling like it’s your job?

Think about all these points and remember – “being a woman is not a disadvantage, and it shouldn’t be a reason to be stagnant. It also shouldn’t be a reason to be pointed at to hinder your growth”. 

Do not let society make you believe it is okay to to nothing. Every human being needs to work. You need to make money and have something doing. (I don’t know why it’s very easy to stay at home all day and ask for literally everything you need).

 It’s not easy for me BUT I would never disrespect you for deciding to do that because I know it’s the effect of the environment and you have a made a choice.

It has gotten to a point, where the men/husbands “stop” their women/wives from working because they feel they are not worth it. Some parents do not send their daughters to school because they feel ‘it is a waste' as she would still end up ‘in the kitchen ‘. Girls are growing up to believe it is okay to do the chores and ask for money for everything. They feel it is okay to be totally dependent, ‘because they are women’. Men think they have the authority to “stop” women from working because they want to be the “bread winner”. Lol, trust me, that is just an excuse to oppress and abuse the women. -  I have seen families like that - the husband oppresses the wife, he abuses her, he sleeps around with other women and he treats her like a complete nonentity – the woman can’t walk away because she had absolutely nothing- No job, no money, no ambition to fall back on. And, this was the man’s plan from the onset. He planned to strip her, and make her totally dependent so when he starts disrespecting and hurting her, she won’t be able to leave him or walk away from the marriage. 

“Sis, don’t let anyone strip you because they’ll mock you when you start to feel cold”.

Think about it. Do you really want to ask for permission and money for everything like a 3 year old or do you want to make decisions for yourself like a grown up that you are. Do you not want to pay your bills and own property and have a say or do you want to ask for permission when you want to buy a pair of shoe? Do you not want to live a life you want or do you want to live a life the way another person wants?

Trust me. Think about it. 

We are here because we know the pain attached to these decisions. It is usually not worth it. 

However, I do not accept that your decision is an excuse for you to be disrespected of treated less. Maybe your decisions is attached to the environment and the patriarchy that is rooted deep in the society. Maybe your decision is a personal decision…

Now, I am back to the point of “choices” – let women do what they want to do – do not insult them- do not judge them and – you do not have the right to disrespect them under any circumstance – whether you find them behind a table, running a big company or at home doing what they want to do. 

“We want that respect, not because of a position but because of our existence”. 

It is usually normal for the opposite sex to be respected for doing absolutely nothing – it is like there is an attachment to respect and women literally need to fight/work to earn respect. Still, no matter how hard they try, women are not given the regard for the work they do. People still make nasty statements about them and still try to disregard the fact that they are working hard for their money. The fact is “they are working for their money” – the money is not stolen. People try so hard to attach their success to the “presence of another person” in their lives. They go on and on and say “oh myyyyy, you boyfriend is taking care of you” or they say “ohhhh wow! Your husband must be so rich”. 

IT IS DISRESPECTFUL, basically because you automatically believe she is not capable of looking that good. 

It is not acceptable to respect “some” women and “leave” some out of it. Respect all women – anywhere you see them – not because of the position they hold but because they are human beings who deserve to be respected just like you do. 

A lot of people are usually eager and yearning to discredit women –

If so much hate directed towards women in the society today is directed towards oppressors and abusers, then this world would be a better and safer place. 

I just love the growth, I love to see it and I love it when I speak to women on how to leave the box and explore. 

The truth is, for a long time, women did not know their potentials because they never tried to explore. They never left that box they’ve been told to stay in, so, they never realized how great they could be. 

Women are now realizing their capability to explode. 

Sis, love yourself despite all – you are magical 

‘Woman, you are bomb!’ 

‘MORE OF ME’ - glancing into #chapter4 of THE TALKING WOMAN


Like every young person today – or let me say “most”, I use social media a lot. In fact, Twitter is the actual love of my life. I really feel I connect on twitter because I love expressing myself and twitter has the space and energy for me. Twitter is like a train of opinions. I love it. 

I can say, I’m a playful, serious, open, private, out spoken and quiet person. – I get the clash, I’m like the direct opposite of everything I am when I’m around different people. 

As a dark skinned Nigerian girl with brown eyes, I wouldn’t say I’ve heard people call me beautiful until recently because we are still battling the bigotry against dark skinned people. However, I’m not a person that expects validation from people. I KNOW I'M BEAUTIFUL (I might leave a picture for you to check me out. lol).

I said earlier, I am outspoken  to the core – that’s basically what this book is about. 

… 

I have been a feminist since forever. Many people would say I ask questions a lot – okay, why won’t I ask questions when everything around me is blurry? 

Ever since I was a kid (I’m still a kid, lol), I knew I was going to fight against a lot of things. As a person, I feel that is my purpose. 

Growing up in a typical Nigerian community, I have heard a lot of things. From school, from the environment, from television – I must add this, movies play a huge role in teaching misogyny. Most of the movies I have seen only portrayed misogyny and patriarchy. 

I was very inquisitive as a kid - trust me to ask a lot of questions, and trust my family members to give me the perfect answers, making me feel like a princess lol. BUT – A lot changed when I started getting answers from outside. I became angry. Angry to my bones. 

Growing older, I started to read a lot (Oh! I forgot to tell you – I love reading and writing!). I started my research on history and trust me – it was really worse back in the days 

I know for a fact that I do not give up. It’s not in my DNA – So, I never stopped and here we are today! 

I loved what I loved. I loved that I could be anything. I saw women that have been great and I immediately knew that all the things I heard when I was younger were myths. I was born great, that I knew for a fact. 

I finally realized what people call “passion”. I would cry watching videos of barbaric cultural practices and I would get so angry when people tried to defend them. 

At some point, a lot of people asked why I cared so much, I also asked myself why I cared so much since they felt and I knew – “I wasn’t exposed to any of that”—But I realized I was, I’m a woman after all. It has everything to do with me. I’m human. (I’ll speak, and you’ll listen). 

I decided to study law

I love the course! I loved coming to the realization that most of these things done are offences that nobody really cared about! 

“Feminism made me study LAW” 

We need to understand a lot of things. A lot of things about different words and their uses on social media. Social media is sometimes, just fancy and most people just follow a trend. Once a person says something, a thousand people follow and say the same things, it starts to trend. Whether it is the right thing or not. 

I would say for a fact that I have seen people tell me that they hate feminism. Initially, I used to take the pain to explain but at this point, I really don’t care about what anyone thinks because the internet is here for a reason. I can’t start teaching and explaining to 20 people a day because I really do not have the energy and mostly because I DO NOT HAVE TO. Lol, I mean, why do I always have to explain my decisions to everyone. We have search engines for a reason and people really need to normalize not asking questions about everything when they can just use their phones. 

So anyone with that line, -- “Yommy, this is so bad, I can’t believe you have joined them, what do you want to do with your life, I hate the fact that you let these people influence you”  -- I don’t mind the time of the year this is said to me or whether it is Christmas or not, I’d end it with “Merry Christmas to you”. (I hope you get the sarcasm here).

To me, there is no difference between the people disgusted by the name – FEMINIST, and the misogynists. Like, how can you disagree with something you don’t know about? Is it because it has something “feminine” before it? Like, you just automatically decided? – A lot of people told me to call myself an “activist” instead, so that ‘people won’t hate me' – I always say – anyone who hates me doesn’t understand feminism or should actually hate me because I’m saving the world yayyyt! 

A lot of people have tried to invalidate the feminist movement and make comments. (Comments we are definitely not concerned about, lol) but, they make the comments anyway and to be honest, it hurts us knowing that daily, we have to fight to have access to the already laid down fundamental human rights. We can’t underestimate the mental health of feminists. It is not easy! It is not easy to have to prove to the society that you deserve respect. Imagine being born into the world without asking or begging to be born, and having to fight so that you are treated with respect just because of something you can’t change. Something you have no control over.

Imagine, fighting for something you are passionate about and getting death threats because you are asking to be treated as a human being. 

The fact that people send nasty comments and threats to feminists shows that feminists are actually doing something and it is bothering a lot of people. The fact that it bothers them shows there is a problem. If you are not involved in the oppression of women, why are you bothered about the fight against oppression? Is it guilty conscience? (It definitely is). 

‘If you are not involved in the oppression of women, why are you bothered about the fight against oppression’.


Download the book - THE TALKING WOMAN BY YOMMY AYILARA FOR MORE… ❤️