WOMAN, YOU ARE BOMB!



I picked up my pen again today and I decided to write about something very uncomfortable. I have tried to avoid writing about this topic for a while, lol.

I know how uncomfortable the truth can be – deep down, you know something is wrong but you still wouldn’t want to accept the truth because you have clouded your mind so much that you are comfortable swimming in lies. It has been quite hard for me to accept some things about myself – I can relate to how hard it is to navigate your way around accepting what the truth is, and trying so hard to leave room for your ideas.

At the end of it all, you give up with the hide and seek and just accept the truth for exactly what it is.

 I am always ready to open my mind to new ideas (that make sense). To be honest, it has helped me a lot because it’s usually like a rebirth for me, like, I am growing into a totally new person and the peace that comes with it is divine.

I want people to understand the system and notice the dent. Open your minds and accept it as plain as it sounds – it’s that easy – of course –women, again – 

I say this a lot – I do not believe “boys will be boys” – never, and never will. 

One more things is – “girl, you don’t owe anyone any explanation on why you live according to your terms”. 

Some days ago, I posted something on my Twitter, asking what people would love to read in a feminist book and someone’s reply struck me – she said – 

“I’d like to see parts where feminism is about choice. Often times working class women or independent women tend to criticize house wives, or women who are not as independent as them. 

That ‘Choice’ factor would be interesting to navigate”

 

When I read that, I `decided to talk about “choices” – when everything is brought to a point, we should note that the summary of it all is “choice” – the right to decide what you want to do with your life because your life belongs to you and shouldn’t be policed by what society thinks is expected of you because of your gender. 

I totally get the drive – women everywhere have the absolute right to think and decide what they want BUT,let us not overlook the fact that many women make the decision to stay home and be house wives because the society has made them believe that it is okay to do that – “it is normal” and “that is actually how it is meant to be”. I am very open to ideas on a lot of issues but I sat down to think about this factor and that was the only thing that came to my mind. 

Let me break this down a little bit –society would never accept a man who wants to stay at home and do chores, a man who does not want to contribute to the finances of the family – so, the summary is, no man would openly want to do that – society has dictated a factor and literally all men live by it. 

Now, moving to the women - from the start, society has made it known “a woman’s place is in the house doing chores and not in the streets making money”. Women just feel it is okay to be totally dependent on other people for absolutely everything. Women make these decisions because of patriarchy. A lot of us feminists, started by stating these points, we call it “choice feminism”- we did feminism in a way so that we could be acceptable by the society. We spent hours explaining to people that we are not the “bitter feminists” or the “bad feminists” because we still felt we needed validation and acceptance. 

… 

We all have the right to make our “choices”, everyone has the right to decide what they want for themselves but, the question is, are you making this choice because you are rooted in patriarchal beliefs or is it just a choice? (Well, I don’t believe it is ‘just a choice' but okay). 

“Dear woman, do you feel it’s okay to stay at home because you have been told “that is where you belong” or do you just want to stay at home because you love the interior decoration? (I know you don’t enjoy staring at the sofa all day).  Do you stay at a spot because you were told to do so and you are trying to “to keep your home” as you’ve been told to do so, or did you just decide?’’

If you decided,  is your decision based on the fact that you have been told to always compromise all your life? Is your decision rooted in patriarchy? Are you confused and feeling like it’s your job?

Think about all these points and remember – “being a woman is not a disadvantage, and it shouldn’t be a reason to be stagnant. It also shouldn’t be a reason to be pointed at to hinder your growth”. 

Do not let society make you believe it is okay to to nothing. Every human being needs to work. You need to make money and have something doing. (I don’t know why it’s very easy to stay at home all day and ask for literally everything you need).

 It’s not easy for me BUT I would never disrespect you for deciding to do that because I know it’s the effect of the environment and you have a made a choice.

It has gotten to a point, where the men/husbands “stop” their women/wives from working because they feel they are not worth it. Some parents do not send their daughters to school because they feel ‘it is a waste' as she would still end up ‘in the kitchen ‘. Girls are growing up to believe it is okay to do the chores and ask for money for everything. They feel it is okay to be totally dependent, ‘because they are women’. Men think they have the authority to “stop” women from working because they want to be the “bread winner”. Lol, trust me, that is just an excuse to oppress and abuse the women. -  I have seen families like that - the husband oppresses the wife, he abuses her, he sleeps around with other women and he treats her like a complete nonentity – the woman can’t walk away because she had absolutely nothing- No job, no money, no ambition to fall back on. And, this was the man’s plan from the onset. He planned to strip her, and make her totally dependent so when he starts disrespecting and hurting her, she won’t be able to leave him or walk away from the marriage. 

“Sis, don’t let anyone strip you because they’ll mock you when you start to feel cold”.

Think about it. Do you really want to ask for permission and money for everything like a 3 year old or do you want to make decisions for yourself like a grown up that you are. Do you not want to pay your bills and own property and have a say or do you want to ask for permission when you want to buy a pair of shoe? Do you not want to live a life you want or do you want to live a life the way another person wants?

Trust me. Think about it. 

We are here because we know the pain attached to these decisions. It is usually not worth it. 

However, I do not accept that your decision is an excuse for you to be disrespected of treated less. Maybe your decisions is attached to the environment and the patriarchy that is rooted deep in the society. Maybe your decision is a personal decision…

Now, I am back to the point of “choices” – let women do what they want to do – do not insult them- do not judge them and – you do not have the right to disrespect them under any circumstance – whether you find them behind a table, running a big company or at home doing what they want to do. 

“We want that respect, not because of a position but because of our existence”. 

It is usually normal for the opposite sex to be respected for doing absolutely nothing – it is like there is an attachment to respect and women literally need to fight/work to earn respect. Still, no matter how hard they try, women are not given the regard for the work they do. People still make nasty statements about them and still try to disregard the fact that they are working hard for their money. The fact is “they are working for their money” – the money is not stolen. People try so hard to attach their success to the “presence of another person” in their lives. They go on and on and say “oh myyyyy, you boyfriend is taking care of you” or they say “ohhhh wow! Your husband must be so rich”. 

IT IS DISRESPECTFUL, basically because you automatically believe she is not capable of looking that good. 

It is not acceptable to respect “some” women and “leave” some out of it. Respect all women – anywhere you see them – not because of the position they hold but because they are human beings who deserve to be respected just like you do. 

A lot of people are usually eager and yearning to discredit women –

If so much hate directed towards women in the society today is directed towards oppressors and abusers, then this world would be a better and safer place. 

I just love the growth, I love to see it and I love it when I speak to women on how to leave the box and explore. 

The truth is, for a long time, women did not know their potentials because they never tried to explore. They never left that box they’ve been told to stay in, so, they never realized how great they could be. 

Women are now realizing their capability to explode. 

Sis, love yourself despite all – you are magical 

‘Woman, you are bomb!’ 

‘MORE OF ME’ - glancing into #chapter4 of THE TALKING WOMAN


Like every young person today – or let me say “most”, I use social media a lot. In fact, Twitter is the actual love of my life. I really feel I connect on twitter because I love expressing myself and twitter has the space and energy for me. Twitter is like a train of opinions. I love it. 

I can say, I’m a playful, serious, open, private, out spoken and quiet person. – I get the clash, I’m like the direct opposite of everything I am when I’m around different people. 

As a dark skinned Nigerian girl with brown eyes, I wouldn’t say I’ve heard people call me beautiful until recently because we are still battling the bigotry against dark skinned people. However, I’m not a person that expects validation from people. I KNOW I'M BEAUTIFUL (I might leave a picture for you to check me out. lol).

I said earlier, I am outspoken  to the core – that’s basically what this book is about. 

… 

I have been a feminist since forever. Many people would say I ask questions a lot – okay, why won’t I ask questions when everything around me is blurry? 

Ever since I was a kid (I’m still a kid, lol), I knew I was going to fight against a lot of things. As a person, I feel that is my purpose. 

Growing up in a typical Nigerian community, I have heard a lot of things. From school, from the environment, from television – I must add this, movies play a huge role in teaching misogyny. Most of the movies I have seen only portrayed misogyny and patriarchy. 

I was very inquisitive as a kid - trust me to ask a lot of questions, and trust my family members to give me the perfect answers, making me feel like a princess lol. BUT – A lot changed when I started getting answers from outside. I became angry. Angry to my bones. 

Growing older, I started to read a lot (Oh! I forgot to tell you – I love reading and writing!). I started my research on history and trust me – it was really worse back in the days 

I know for a fact that I do not give up. It’s not in my DNA – So, I never stopped and here we are today! 

I loved what I loved. I loved that I could be anything. I saw women that have been great and I immediately knew that all the things I heard when I was younger were myths. I was born great, that I knew for a fact. 

I finally realized what people call “passion”. I would cry watching videos of barbaric cultural practices and I would get so angry when people tried to defend them. 

At some point, a lot of people asked why I cared so much, I also asked myself why I cared so much since they felt and I knew – “I wasn’t exposed to any of that”—But I realized I was, I’m a woman after all. It has everything to do with me. I’m human. (I’ll speak, and you’ll listen). 

I decided to study law

I love the course! I loved coming to the realization that most of these things done are offences that nobody really cared about! 

“Feminism made me study LAW” 

We need to understand a lot of things. A lot of things about different words and their uses on social media. Social media is sometimes, just fancy and most people just follow a trend. Once a person says something, a thousand people follow and say the same things, it starts to trend. Whether it is the right thing or not. 

I would say for a fact that I have seen people tell me that they hate feminism. Initially, I used to take the pain to explain but at this point, I really don’t care about what anyone thinks because the internet is here for a reason. I can’t start teaching and explaining to 20 people a day because I really do not have the energy and mostly because I DO NOT HAVE TO. Lol, I mean, why do I always have to explain my decisions to everyone. We have search engines for a reason and people really need to normalize not asking questions about everything when they can just use their phones. 

So anyone with that line, -- “Yommy, this is so bad, I can’t believe you have joined them, what do you want to do with your life, I hate the fact that you let these people influence you”  -- I don’t mind the time of the year this is said to me or whether it is Christmas or not, I’d end it with “Merry Christmas to you”. (I hope you get the sarcasm here).

To me, there is no difference between the people disgusted by the name – FEMINIST, and the misogynists. Like, how can you disagree with something you don’t know about? Is it because it has something “feminine” before it? Like, you just automatically decided? – A lot of people told me to call myself an “activist” instead, so that ‘people won’t hate me' – I always say – anyone who hates me doesn’t understand feminism or should actually hate me because I’m saving the world yayyyt! 

A lot of people have tried to invalidate the feminist movement and make comments. (Comments we are definitely not concerned about, lol) but, they make the comments anyway and to be honest, it hurts us knowing that daily, we have to fight to have access to the already laid down fundamental human rights. We can’t underestimate the mental health of feminists. It is not easy! It is not easy to have to prove to the society that you deserve respect. Imagine being born into the world without asking or begging to be born, and having to fight so that you are treated with respect just because of something you can’t change. Something you have no control over.

Imagine, fighting for something you are passionate about and getting death threats because you are asking to be treated as a human being. 

The fact that people send nasty comments and threats to feminists shows that feminists are actually doing something and it is bothering a lot of people. The fact that it bothers them shows there is a problem. If you are not involved in the oppression of women, why are you bothered about the fight against oppression? Is it guilty conscience? (It definitely is). 

‘If you are not involved in the oppression of women, why are you bothered about the fight against oppression’.


Download the book - THE TALKING WOMAN BY YOMMY AYILARA FOR MORE… ❤️ 


‘I was only SIX - he started touching me and trying to stick his hand in places I didn’t like’ - X


I WAS ONLY SIX – ‘he started touching me and trying to stick his hand in places I didn’t like’ – X

 

 

Hey! I’m sure you already know that when you see ‘THE TALK with Yommy’ , you’re about to read something real and triggering.

 

We’re back! Remember when I said this year would be a better year? Well – here. We’ll be referring to my friend as ‘X’. Let’s give here some privacy.

 

When I got a text from X, I was very curious. I wanted to listen to her so bad. I was sure a lot of people would relate to her story. X sent me a text and we got to work. Reading X’ story triggered me. It made me really scared because most of the time, you feel comfortable around people you call ‘family’ and you don’t expect them to hurt you – not a little, or a little bit more. 

 

For a very long time, we have tried to live by rules – so many rules. ‘Don’t drink from an open juice can’ , ‘don’t stay out late’, ‘don’t go to his house’ , ‘buy a pepper spray bottle’, ‘share your location’, ‘always go out with a friend’… ‘blah’ ‘blah’ and one more ‘blah’.

 

The question is, where exactly are women safe? At home you’d say? Well, here is a story of a girl at home – Meet ‘X’.

 

In her words – 

 

‘My little story is not one I like to remember. It's more of pain than a story. 

 

When I was much younger, around the age of six to seven, my older cousin was addicted to watching pornographic videos and most times I caught him doing things to himself but I never said anything. One day, my mom left me home with him and he started acting strangely. As a child, I didn't understand most of what he was saying. 

Until he started touching me and trying to stick his hand in places where I didn't like. At first, I moved back but then he pushed me back and started forcing me to touch him. I shouted when he hit me and he almost fell.

I thank God he never got his way because my mom came home. She still doesn't know what happened till date. She thought we were just playing.

 

I had nightmares when it first happened. Nightmares I didn't understand.  For awhile I was self absorbed. Didn't talk to anyone and I used a therapist. She's on instagram too 

She helped me and I used some drugs. They called them anti depressants. there's a riddle I always use when I'm sad or depressed by the past

"There are two wolves and they're always fighting, one is light and hope and the other is darkness and despair" Which wolf will win?

The answer is whichever one you feed the most. 

It means whichever one you give room to stay inside you.

It's my motivation. It's what my therapist taught  to use and it's brought me this far. Share this too. It might help someone. Everything about it still gives me the creeps but I'm fine now. I guess. It's  been 11 years and I'm okay. I'm hoping nothing like that will happen again’.

 

The most triggering part of this story to me – ‘I had nightmares’ – A 6-year-old ! Nightmares!

 

I love that riddle, do you?

 

There are many more stories – stories that a lot of people can’t talk about. 

 

Now tell me, where exactly are women safe? 

 

This is a sign not to be an apologist. This was a 6-year-old girl. She obeyed all ‘your’ rules on how not to get assaulted/abused – did they work? NO

 

She was hurt by family and till date, she still ‘guesses’ she’s okay. 

 

Please send X some love!

21st June! 2 years! ❤️ - Growth, Challenges, and Life!


Just a spice, never mind, It’s a rant – might appear rough but what do you expect? My mind isn’t smoothened out anyway. You get work as rough as the mind it came from – it’s the normal thing to expect.

Now, we’ve been in-between two edges

Well, I have been in between two edges, just that it wasn’t two soft sides like the fillings of a sandwich – it was more painful like getting my fingers caught in the door. (Well, I might not be exaggerating but this is a disclaimer that I do sometime)

This year was very rough – you probably noticed – but life is tough and it’s okay to have it rough sometimes. 

I had it rough – I didn’t have so much time to write on here because of so many reasons. I think I can start by blaming it on my mental health. 

The alphabets in my appendix decided they needed to be removed in the middle of a semester so yes! We had so much alphabets to make words! I was admitted, home sick, extra sick, and I recovered very slowly – I reacted to almost everything! My anxiety became one hundred percent – I didn’t know how to catch up with so much school work I missed and I couldn’t handle juggling it with updating y’all here so I just took a break. 

This break on here made me lose a number of readers and I became so down about it – I think it made me uninterested for a while (I was so frustrated) – Everything I built so diligently came crumbling and it totally wasn’t my fault! I could not handle coming on here to check my numbers – I just wasn’t handling anything well.

Now , when things get rough what’s the right thing to do? Pause, take a break, breathe, and start all over again. 

That’s what I’m doing right now, starting again and also announcing YOMMY AYILARA'S BLOG is 2 years! Omgsssss! 

I love you guys so much for sticking with me, loving me, and loving my content!

This year is gonna be greater! I can feel it! By the Grace of God! 

Love you, drop a comment. X. 

STEPPING FORWARD ON THORNS


Most of the time, life throws a lot at us, it seems like there should be more to take in but very less to give. Circumstances do not favour us, society doesn’t, and life generally is a roller coaster of emotions – mostly bad experiences except good ones fought for.

Women have for years kept it all in, struggled to move at the pace some others moved on a platter of gold. Everything had to end in wars. In wars of gnashing of words and the clashing of laws. Words that are spat for only one gender – just to reach places others found easily, freely, and voluntarily. So many associations – there has to be anyway. Who would fight for the class classified as ‘second thought' , ‘after thought' – yes, the women.

Building to crumble, pushed with so much, given a lot to deal with, to care for and to handle – it’s a selfish world! I see women struggle to move forward in thorns. Thorns classified as societal norm, as religious instructions, and as rules – only for women, just because of a difference in chromosomes.

Thorns called misogyny, thorns called patriarchy – rules here, rules there, it’s a constant battlefield.

Most of the time, I try to understand where these thorns came from. For years, I have sat down and tried to get an actual break down. The history, the reason women are treated this way in the society. Somehow, I just never get it.

I grew up to meet it this way, I asked around and still, older people grew up to meet it this way – on and on and on, nobody has an answer – it has been ‘we met it that way' ‘let it stay that way'. Why should it? Why should women have to struggle through thorns to make it to particular milestones readily available for the other gender? Why are women classified as ‘not worth it' ? Why are women not allowed to be?

They say everyone is allowed to have dreams, so why do they kill the dreams of women? There is an automatic thought when a woman wants something – they go, ‘are you sure you can do this? You know you are just a woman’. Why has being a woman become a disadvantage? 

The setting, the training, the raising of an entire gender is to please the other. It is like women are cultured so they know how to behave perfectly for the men. They mould women into stationed shapes that even when they dry up, they break them and wet them to remould. This goes on and on until women are made to look how they want and be who they want them to be. 

Moving forward in thorns is a struggle, the bleeding, the tears, the wound, and the very little care. 

I hope one day, the thorns get trimmed. I see them getting chopped off. Hopefully, women can strive without bleeding.


YOU AND I - A spy into the book, THE TALKING WOMAN...


At the edge of falling in and falling out. At the tip of a land, a little push, I'd be coming crashing down. 

There is an emotional attachment to the fact that there is no exposure and no matter how well or wide I explore, there is a stopping clause. “you cannot do this”. 

Sometimes, questions come up and a little bit of doubt sets in, how hard is it? Is this how it should be? Am I at a disadvantage? 

It’s so difficult to get things done around here. There’s this disadvantage – I  wouldn’t want to use that word but I don’t know how better to explain what I feel- It’s like a clause or a spot that drags us back when a peak is about to be reached. It is like an attachment to bad luck. , Like I carry around this energy that makes people want to scream and move away from me because I’m scary and different.

I try so hard to disagree with this fact but most of the time, emotions take over and I break down and wish it wasn’t this way. 

I wish I was born into this world with as much advantage as the opposite sex. I wish I didn’t have to fight for something that another person gets without even asking. I wish I could wake up and be myself with a smile on my face and all the support I want and need. I wish I didn’t have to argue with a lot of people and break a lot of walls before giving myself a sit at the table. I wish everything was normal. 

Nothing makes me more happy than seeing women live the way they want to and not how they are told to. Seeing women break free from what has been considered normative, paying no attention to insensitive flans people make about their choices and ideas and trying very hard to explore by not letting words get to them or stop them from being queens that they really are. It simply... 


Buy my book, 'THE TALKING WOMAN' FOR MORE OF THIS! 

Step to buy - Copy the link below and paste in your browser.

https://www.macroedustore.com/product/advertisements/the-talking-woman-by-yommy-ayilara-ebook/

MY LITTLE



I leave a bow to the ones that know me, the ones that love me, and the ones that care about me. I say a big thank you for the little hopes that live big in me. The little words that left a book in me, the little drops that left an ocean for me.

They say life is a roller coaster of emotions. My emotions, your emotions, our emotions, and the more we try, the better we become. The more we dream, the better we are. Thousands of rejection is a little of all that would be seen. A little NO here and a little NO there, finally building the foundations for MAYBES and eventually YES. 

I am in awe of the many words that come my way, the good, the bad, the weird, and the motivating. I think you should be too. Those words remind you to have feelings, they make you know how you’re doing, either nicely or badly, they just make you know. 

I dream daily of the little messages, the ones I get when I want to do something new. The little I get when I dream new dreams, the ones that push me, the ones that discourage me, I am just here for the little this and the little that. Oh wow! I guess we would make it a WE.

We pay attention to the little fears, the little tears, and the little NOS. 

We make way for the little breakdowns, the little denials, and the little crashes.

What happened to hopes, dreams, and assurance? What happened to the glow on your face when you dreamed that dream and the hope that you felt making that wish? What would happen to the ‘what if it works' when all you care about is ‘what if it doesn’t ‘. What happened to believing? 

What happened to you? What happened to me? What happened to us?