Rivers of fears 💀. ( last 'more of me' for the year!).


 
So many times, I have heard a lot of words on how to persevere and how to hold on for just a little longer for ‘what is yours to get to you'. I have tried so much to believe and hold on to the things I’ve heard but generally, nothing makes sense to me. 

Maybe this is one of those stories where they say ‘I failed 50 times before getting an award' – just maybe. But this is definitely the toughest time. I have worked really hard just to fail at the end. I have fought so many times just to loose at war. 
I wish someone could give me a hint ‘Hey babe! You’re losing this' , so I don’t get my hopes up to watch the fall. I wish I could see the result before I begin. I wish I could see the ‘happy ever after' before the ‘once upon a time ‘. I just wish. 
Maybe I need some lines of those ‘online motivational speeches' lol.  They actually work sometimes. 

I am flowing in a river of what is not and what I want. In a space of failing and moving fast. One minute, it’s ‘I'm so proud of you' – next minute ‘I'm sorry you’re not qualified ‘. If you’re so proud of me, let me do this. Why can’t I do it? 

I am writing with fear in my heart. Fears replaced my tears. Fears about me, fears about you, fears about life. My mind is filled with so much ‘what ifs'. What if this doesn’t work out? What if? It’s so hard not to think this way! 
I know, I know I said I wished I could see the end, but, I obviously can’t. This is just the beginning. At first, I wanted to write to motivate you, but, I wouldn’t end it well because I need you to motivate me. 

I can’t give out what I don’t have. 
I’m still drowning in my rivers of fears. Hoping you’ll tell me everything would be fine. Would everything be fine? Or are you also unaware? 
Text me. 

Do I? Don't I? - (More of me)

 


Do I know what I’m doing, a little bit of life and I’m crumbling 

Is this really how I planned it, one little push and I come falling

I thought life was meant to be easy

A little fun, a little cool, and a little scarier

Well, maybe I did a lot of thinking 

And, I left out the real essence of living 


Don’t I know how to arrange things?

I thought I could handle everything because I claimed it 

Maybe I was just a little bit off it

Lately, that has been the only mood I cling to 


Am I lonely or am I being a baby?

Is this real? Or, am I just overreacting? 

Is this a post it is this just my jotting?

Would I post or would I just delete it?


It’s been a long while. Maybe not to you but definitely to me. 

I know I’d bounce back

Maybe soon, maybe later, but someday

Maybe close, maybe far, but eventually 


Deep down I feel this isn’t worth it

These words, these lines, this post entirely

But what is the essence of living?

I guess it’s to rough it, do it and do you


So, this is me doing ‘me’

Do I get it? No

Would I stop? No

Do I? Don’t I? 


"HE WOULD HAVE RAPED ME" - Talk with Yommy - A true story of Zee.


 Sometimes, it feels like a lot of talk – Rape feels like a lot, yeah? It gets tiring when people like Yommy and her feminist coalition friends never stop talking about it. Like can y’all not just stop causing so much noise about this? – You girls do the most! Well well well – Sorry, not sorry to burst your pimple -! 

We don’t stop because it’s real, it happens, and not enough attention has been given. We don’t stop because victims get blamed and the offenders get away with it. We don’t stop because we don’t live according to societal standards and we won’t stop until y’all notice this and pay attention!

This is a true-life story – Zee talked to me – THE TALK with Yommy! 

“Hi Yommy, he almost raped me! - Zee

I'm into the food business and I have logistics who deliver my meals to the appropriate quarters, but some customers still demand I bring it my self so I deliver once in a while.

It happened on the 1st of October, 2020. An old FRIEND of mine, (my primary school classmate to be precise, we connected back not quite long, though we only chat, we haven't seen each other since after primary school).

Anyway, he ordered food from me and he demanded I brought it to his place. I didn’t see that as a big deal, at least, I'd get to meet my long time friend. 

On the delivery day, I got his address and headed to his house. When I finally got to his house, he invited me in. As I entered his house, I noticed there was nobody at home, (I wasn’t expecting that though, he told me his mom was home and was expecting to see me after so many years). Anyway, he offered me a chair and I sat and gave him what he ordered. He offered me the food but I declined and had just water. 

We started talking and catching up on the past few years and it was really nice talking to him. He talked about a movie on Netflix and he suggested we watched the movie together – I didn’t have an objection because heyyyyy! My friend! 

20minutes into the movie, he started touching me. I told him to stop immediately and that was when I knew I overstayed my welcome. I wore my shoes and I started heading to the door. Before I knew what was happening, he carried me and placed me on the chair. At this point, I was struggling and telling him to stop. I kept on telling him I wasn’t interested. 

I was already crying. I kept on telling him he was about to rape me because I wasn’t giving my consent. It was like he couldn’t hear any word. His mind was somewhere far away and I didn’t know how to get there. 

At that point, I just remembered - "if this guy rapes me, I won't have a case because I was the one that went to his house".

I immediately came up with an idea. I told him I was ready. I told him to let me position myself well and I targeted the door. I had 2-3plans in my head already. As he left me alone, I grabbed my bag, opened the door and ran out.

As I was still running, he was begging me loudly not to leave in anger, that he was seeing his ex- girlfriends face in me. 

To cut everything short, I escaped. I could not tell my family members how the delivery went.

I'm never going to do delivery myself again”.

The end. 

Something here got my attention – ‘I knew I didn’t have a case because I went to his house'. That’s how it is for most girls. They are always blamed for being at a particular place. The attention is totally taken away from the rapist and now diverted to the raped. They ask the raped why she got raped, why she was there, and why she let herself get raped. 

This story could have ended in a more terrible way. This could have been another story of injustice for a rape victim. 

No words…

Speak up, girl. 

If you have a story you’d love to share, send me a mail - yommyayilara@gmail.com 


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But sometimes, the lines get all blurry.



Sometimes, smiling doesn’t work sometimes,

The eyes won’t go shut some days,

Sometimes, what runs inside you controls you,

Sometimes, you can’t control ‘you' the way you want to,

From the activeness to the weakness, you’re human after all. 


I don’t have it 100% all the time, in fact, I need to get charged most of the time,

I smile, I laugh, but I feel safe to call that my ‘icing’,

I need a new recipe for my cake,

Sounds wrong, sounds right,

Sounds like something I would delete soon. 


If this gets out, this is a deep one,

This is true love and this is my safe spot,

Bringing alphabets together, different sounds with different meanings,

How can I construct words so easily and leave the puzzles of my life unattended?,

Then, I agree, words don’t work the way life does. 


I have been writing short words, 

Has to be,

Who can afford to leave a full book of emotions on the internet?,

Can be you, but definitely not me,

At least, not until I get my cake baked. 


Of course, I would relate my emotions to my gender,

At least, that takes me out of the spotlight,

But, you can read between the lines,

You can see beyond the stars, 

Whether it’s general, personal or whatever, 

At least, I wrote you something today. 


Let the 'feels' walk away...


In a consistent fight to getting it right, 

A lot of bad decisions were made,

Some good, most bad, 

Some cost me my smile.


But the words are here to take them all away,

The hurt, the pain, the days I left untamed, 

As water flows away, feeling go away,

More to come, more to move away, 

Some for fun, some to cause some pain. 


In a war against ‘feels' and words,

Words don’t take the lead,

The ‘feels' let it away,

The smile, the highs, and lows,

Well, maybe they should be left cold,

Freezing so nobody can hold,

The heart of gold and cold,

Freezing and folding away to be left unused.


I let the ‘feels’ walk away. 


I could let a soul call my name,

I had a voice, a plan, and a pen,

But, none let me do the things,

I put the puzzles together and made castles,

I pushed and crumbled them all with a flood of tears,

I thought I said I let my ‘feels’ walk away,

Not true, I let the tears of flood roll in,

I let my ‘feels' walk away…


I would let a jar in and turn it over,

I let the flour rise but I best it down,

I put the star in but I left the light on,

I let the moon glow but I shut the windows,

All on, but my road blocked,

The feeling of ‘feels’ walking away. 


Maybe my words are not printed well,

Or, my ‘feels’ don’t appear right,

How can they appear right when they don’t sit?

My words are falling,

I feel the lines breaking,

I know, I’m writing about the breakage,

Maybe just to make this a complete stanza.



The ‘feels’ of whatever…

This girl let her ‘feels’ walk away. 


I took some steps away and got my sanity back.




I'm here with some words because I've been away for a while. This is a mix of everything going on in my head right now.

This pandemic has been good news for a lot of people but it has definitely dragged me just a little bit. Some people shuffle in life and get words from the outside world but going through the internet over and over again probably made me dumb, not deaf though.
My heart has been with a lot of women. Women that are caught up in the jaws of domestic violence since the beginning of this lockdown.

Children that are losing their minds, trying so hard to deal with abuse, and still looking perfectly okay to the “outside world”.

Girls that have been sold out and given out in marriage because “offices are closed” and girls are “enough investments”.

Families that are hungry.

Girls that have been raped, abused and assaulted.

People like myself that work from home and finish up just one paragraph in 2 weeks.

The truth is, when people said “this lock down is an opportunity to do great and…” – I smiled because for a lot of people, this lockdown has been a life changing, anxiety growing and depression blooming experience for them. It does not have to be the same way for everyone.

Of course, this isn’t about me.

I was thinking out loud the other day, directing every emotion I felt into my notepad. My emotions bled real bad and my pen didn’t leave just one feeling out of it. I realized what it meant to “step away”. Well, this is to explain, I took steps away and I was able to decide for myself. I took a deep pause and I was able to realize a lot of things. Maybe not too much, but enough things to keep this write up going until it finally end with a full stop.

I am sure, for a while, women have not taken steps away. The serenity, peace of mind and the “other side of life”. Women haven’t decided to take a step away. If only they did, they would see how life could be on the other side of the road. The road of justice and personal decision. The road and life where mouths are opened for them and by themselves, words are let out in ways that nobody expected. It’s a different feel of feel.

I promise, this isn’t 1999. We need a plan. I thought about it and I really had this great idea. Let’s take steps back and take a few steps forward. It helps. It clears the mind and sets up the best plan.

I was taken aback a while ago by a number of “ideas”. Possibly to clear the notion on what stepping away feels like. People have tried so hard... 
I have seen a lot of statements reminding me that this movement is a “disrespect to god's laws”. Well, definitely not my God.

Don't only step "away" and end up "walking away". Do not let " stepping away" push you away and cause you to bend and conform to what everyone feels "comfortable" with.

Last time I checked, my God does not want this to happen(I don't know about yours). He isn’t happy this is happening. I don’t know what yours revealed to you but mine told me He loves every bit of justice. He loves it so much that I can feel Him smiling.  Now, this paragraph isn’t up for a debate. I have come to realize a lot of revelations that a lot of people have and trust me, there is no way you’d put it or “explain” it to me. I would disagree because my Bible isn’t a story book. You can not instill the misogyny and patriarchy that thousands of people did many years ago in the life of grace we are all living in. You can not have the fruit of the spirit and feel abuse, oppression and inequality is okay. (This came to my mind and I really needed to clear the air). Different notions and different ideas and all I can do is laugh. Yea, I laugh.

So, some people stepped back a while ago and I’m very sure they fell.

The approach, the arrangement.

Take a few days to plan what you want. How do I want to deal with this? How do I want to bring this forth? What are my plans? What should I do?

After all these..  All I want is, now, I am ready. I have a plan. I have a goal. I am here to do something. I stepped away and I got my sanity back.

I remembered I came here to fight for the women. It was never about my feelings. It was never about what I wanted people to call me. It was all about the fight I came to fight.

The anxiety bringing, depression calling, bants attracting fight of mine.
So, back to stepping away…
It feels good when you finally know what you want.

I hope this makes sense to you.
I want comments, please ❤

FAR AWAY, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH// Yommy Ayilara's Blog is 1 year today! ❤// 21st July, 2020!



I am so grateful. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful.

I have heard of dreams that were dumped and packed, never to be heard of again. I have heard of warriors that crashed and fell to their death on the battle field. I have heard of Queens dethroned and ripped off every diamond on their crowns.

But you all kept a smile on my face for a whole year!

The toughest fight is that against society. A fight against a “spirit” as I call it. Fighting against the "so-called" norms. It is the most DIFFICULT. It is the most DEPRESSING, the most OVERWHELMING and the most FRUSTRATING. I literally offend a lot of people daily. I get on people’s nerves because I say things they don’t want to hear. I am not bothered anyway because I know that when there is war, you must fight to save yourself and the people around you. So, I am here! I am here to fight against every crumb of misogyny! So, to start with, we can’t get along if you are misogynistic.

I have said it before, there is this emotional attachment when you love what you do and there’s also this emotional breakdown when you are crucified for what you love to do. A mix. A bitter sweet experience.

I would have said a lot of stories here today. But, I want to keep it short. Guys, I have cried. I do not hide the fact that I cry. I have written down some messages I have received and some statements made to me and initially those things used to tear me down.

Ever had “close” people joke about everything you do? Heard people degrade you? Degrade your existence and expect the littlest from you? Well, I’m with you.

People have asked a lot of questions. Questions like – What is wrong with you? What exactly are you looking for? How old are you? Who hurt you?

Anywayyyyyyy, my answer - I’m good dear, I’m not hurt but you might get hurt. So, step aside.

Sis, don’t forget you are magic! Don’t ever look down on yourself!  You are beautiful and you deserve the sun, moon and stars. We are far away but we are close enough.

This year, I lost a lot of friends. But, I got a family in return. I have you all and I am so grateful.

Thank you for loving me and keeping up. There wouldn’t be Yommy Ayilara's blog without you guys. You are the most important part of this journey.

Now, I am strong enough to laugh about shades. And I am bold enough to talk about my first and ultimate goal in life...

I’d publicly announce this…

I am here for the girls, always have, always will be.
I am close enough but still far away. But, I would never stop fighting!

A feminist until my last breath!

Yommy Ayilara's blog is 1 year!!!!!!! Yayyyyyyyyy! Thank you, God!

Sending love, Yommy Ayilara.

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IT IS NOT WHAT IT IS


I let my hopes on the shoulders of a bunch of people looking forward to a crash. As a female figure, I have heard a lot of information about the uncertainty of my dreams and the unrealistic points I pay attention to.

It takes nothing but a few drops of water to make the steam of tears from my eyes overflow. Because of something I can’t change, I have to prove my points more than usual, I need to fight so that what I call “dreams” makes a bit of sense to people around me. Just because I am a woman.

 Extra efforts and more convincing speeches to prove that my brain works normal, that my heart beats normal, and that my existence is worth appraisal. That what I fight for should be fought for.

There is a deep cut, a decay in the setup, in the way it is, from the way it is meant to be.
It took me long until now before realizing that it doesn’t have to make sense to you. A lot of things don’t make sense to a lot of people and even when it is completed and finalized, it still doesn’t make sense to a lot. I am writing this with tears in my eyes. Yes, I know that sounds weird but I get hurt by the things I see around me.

Growing up, I used to hear a lot about passion and I must confess, I didn’t know it’ll feel this way.
I have heard a lot growing up- “That is how it is meant to be” – “It is what it is” – but, it took me so long, so long until now to realize that It is NOT what it is. I do not blend. I have never done well with that. I never agree with principles than I do not believe in.

It is the way “other women” have done it for years, they let down their pride and crawl- they have been allowed to sit under the feet of customs but I say to them – I AM NOT EVERY OTHER WOMAN, you do not have to be too.

I have heard a lot – “If you continue like this, you'll regret it” – “You can’t be this career-driven, you are a woman” – “Why are you always fighting against tradition” -- The first day I heard all these, I fumed! What do you think I am? A trophy to be presented? What do you think I should do? Do you expect me to crawl? Is that all you think of me?!

I repeat, DO NOT BE INSENSITIVE

I have lost a lot of “friends”. I put “friends” in quotes, you know what I mean. I used to be hurt initially but I have come to realize that people come and go. A lot of people have said so much about what I do and initially, I used to calm down a bit, but now, I don’t care. I do what I do for me and for millions of people around me.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE TO YOU

Coming into this world, I was given a choice, a choice to live and with that choice, I have the right to explore.
I would not let a single teardrop anymore. I would not stop what I do because I  am who I am and people can either live with it or move on with their lives.

I know that I am called weak even though I fight the most dangerous fight. Fighting from the day I was born because I heard that I have to be apologetic about my existence.
“Your first offense is being a woman”, they said.  However, I have refused, my whole life. I refuse to expose me to condemnation and discrimination. I refuse to put myself at risk of being called a disgrace to womanhood all because I decided to stand up for myself. I am forever a feminist, as long as the sun sets in the west and rises in the east. I am who I am.

I do not necessarily need back up. I back myself up. I am calling out to you all waiting for attention because of disapproval. Disapproval does not invalidate the movement. The movement stands.
If you need a friend, send me a mail. You deserve to roll with people that respect how you feel and who you want to be. Let’s make up our little team.

Setting up plans too tough to be comprehended. Making lists not understandable.
I repeat, if I cry, I am not the reason I cry
If I am hurt, I am not the reason for my pain
I am scared by the rules I met, so I cry instead
It does not mean I am weak, I am human after all
I am scared by the laws in place and the way I am
I am scared that I am told what I am meant to be
But, I bent on breaking the rules!
I am Yommy Ayilara!
Sending love and light!


A WAR AGAINST FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION!
I took part in an #endFGM conference!
I spoke on the Genesis and Revelation of Female Genital Mutilation.
I am happy that we are on a journey!
We will put an end to FGM in the world!




Talk with Yommy- A TRUE-LIFE rape story of Rachael Bature.

I am eager to see people swiveling their pain into power. I wrote an article on rape not long ago and I decided to do a series, writing TRUE-LIFE rape stories of great women who have turned their pain into powers.  Your pain will become your power – Yommy Ayilara.

This is the story of RACHAEL BATURE – “ I did not settle for pain, I spoke up”

In Rachael's Words…

I was around 6/7 years old. We used to live in a compound house and there was this uncle that lived around. He was so friendly that we used to go to his house and he used to send us on errands.
One day, I came by from school and I was going to have my bath, I tied my towel around my chest and went to fetch water. As I was passing, he called me. I was innocent and I answered him immediately. I went into his room and he locked the door behind me. HE HAD SEX WITH ME. He told me not to speak up. He scared me that if I did he would kill me. I believed him because I was young and scared. At that age, I didn’t really understand what just happened or what he did to me. I was in primary one.

When I got to primary four , a visitor came to our house to spend the night and that was when the memories of what happened to me years ago came back.  That night when I was asleep, I felt someone’s hands and I opened my eyes. I didn’t fully understand what was happening. He was supposed to spend a night but he did not. The next day, the same thing repeated itself. On the third day, I felt a hand on my body as I was asleep, this time I could understand, and with so much fear I clicked and figured that this was the ‘rape’ I have been haring about. I couldn’t hold it anymore, I got up and I cried all night. It was that experience that reminded me of the first time, I was just a kid then, I could not really paint the full picture, but as I replayed the scenes of my first experience, I became so scared, I felt the trauma and I felt the pain. For days, I became withdrawn, I couldn’t express myself well, I was quiet and wasn’t at peace with myself.

My brother noticed my silence and withdrawal and I spoke to him. He told my mom about it and my mom eventually sent the man away.

Remember the first rapist?

Yes, he still stayed in my compound. He got scared at some point and he made me promise not to tell anyone. Then, I was told in church that “A promise is a debt” and as a kid that I was, I felt I was indebted to him. So I kept my promise.

Let’s leap a little…

I was in Jss1/Jss2. I was relaxing in my room, not fully asleep. An extended family member came in and took advantage of my sleep and innocence. I was disgusted and devastated. I felt very unsafe experiencing this from a family member.

This experience brought back memories and broke me. – “I became scared of men”

LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

“My ex broke up with me after I spoke my truth”
I was in a relationship with this guy. For a while, I didn’t tell him about my experience even though he asked me if I had anything to say. Finally, I decided to tell him. He was the first person I told and this truth changed everything. My “so-called” perfect relationship became a den. He claimed not to be angry about my experience but about the fact that I didn’t tell him about it.

Whatttt?! People need to understand that it is not easy to talk about rape. Not that I believe that was reason he broke up with me, but I’m just chipping that in.

Sometimes, when I hear about rape stories, the pain of my experience comes back. There are some things that still triggers me. There are some things I hear that pisses me off.

The trauma I faced, At a point, I didn’t want people touching me at all. I found satisfaction in watching pornography and I know it wasn’t my fault.

It took me time and the Grace of God but I TOOK POWER and CONTROL!

I cannot quantify how much speaking up helped me. The first time I decided to share my story was in May 2019 after the drama that happened with my ex. I shared my experience and that was when my change began.  I felt safe. I felt strong.

I know that because of the rejection I faced after speaking up for the first time to my ex was a terrible experience. A lot of people have felt that pain. One moment you think you have found someone to talk to, just for the person to switch up on you and reject you for something that is absolutely not your fault.

I am here to tell you – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, Never take the blame.

I felt strong after talking about my experience. A number of people turned my pain into power. I got to know a lot of people that have experienced rape. I got help from people and I became a source or help to other victim. That is how it works. It is a circle and we help one other. That is why you need to speak up.  I am 22 years old by the way!

“I AM STILL GOING THROUGH THERAPY “ – you cannot do it alone, there are people to help you.
Yes, I still need help. I still react to people touching me. I still take offence unnecessarily. Compliments trigger me. But I am a fighter! I know it! I can feel it!

Let me tell you something-

YOU CANNOT CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, BUT, YOU CAN CHANGE WHAT BECOMES OF YOU AFTER YOUR EXPERIENCE.

If someone blamed you, ignore it (I know it’s not easy). Please, get help. Talk to people.

If you cannot afford therapy or even if you can and you just want to talk,  send me a mail – baturerachael77@gmail.com

Love, RACHAEL.

#END

Your pain will become your power, I love you , Text me -  Yommy Ayilara.

I promised to post a link to a song! So, listen up after reading.

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HURT ME, RAPE ME, BLAME ME!



Circumstances around me and a slight strain of stagnation.  A level of belief brought side by side with fault directed to one for a crime of another. If tears drop down my eyes, am I the reason I cry? It is highly dependent on me, a form of disrespect to who I am.

I walked down a little farther on the streets of my house. I walked smart, heads up because I was told I could only be respected that way. I made a straight face, ready to speak for myself. I had a stone in my hands, ready to attack. I lived my life in fear. Every step I took on that street was taken in fear. Fear of being attacked by imaginary men, ready to prey.  I kept on walking, little by little. I started to feel peace in my heart. Maybe, they were exaggerating after all. There is nobody looking at me. I am all alone here, they said those things to scare me… I was thinking and smiling a little. But – then, it happened…

I was attacked, ripped, and hurt. I was hurt, raped, and told to get up and walk. Of course, I walked, with no complaints. I walked with so much pain. I was in discomfort but I walked fast and furiously. I was ready to fight! I got home and told my people. It took me time to compose myself and explain my plight. I was ready to fight with them by my side! To fight against what I felt. But -then, it happened…
Like a flash, everything changed. I found myself answering questions about why I was raped. I was broken.  How do I explain the reason I was ripped and broken, never to be one again. How do I explain that I did nothing wrong? My only offense was being a woman. With tears in my eyes, I saw friends and people turn their back against me. Talking about the shirt I wore and the hair I made. Talking about the make up I had on and the fragrance they came from my body. “you should not have looked that good!”, they said. IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

The blame- A consistent crime and nobody was ready to hear my cry. Oh, they heard me cry, after all, they were just not ready to help me out. How can a person be abused and molested and blamed for it? What is there to be happy about when the right of another is trampled upon. Why does it hurt a group of people that human beings want to speak up for themselves? Is it a crime to be an existing female figure.

Why is my body sexualized? They have the right to expose their skin but I do not. Because I am seen as a sex object, degraded and made to accept that my only value is sex. How do I not express myself? I kit up and slay up and fight to earn respect. I do not get it naturally, I earn it. If I cannot earn it then I am not worth it. What an eyesore this is.

How well do you understand? How can you spit out words, telling me to call down? Do you know how it feels? How it feels to be told to live your life for someone else right from the day you could hear words. Do you feel what I feel? The feeling of betrayal by the people instructed to love you.

I have questions, still unanswered. Nobody could give me valid reasons. All I could hold on to was – “because you are a woman”. This broke me. It hurt me, but they blamed me.

Then, I looked around and saw thousands of people like me. Women who were abused and blamed for it. People who have decided to take their existence as a crime. Who have hated themselves day by day wishing they had come in the opposite sex.

Wishes that can never come through.
I would, however, leave words today.
“Your dreams are meant to scare you. You are a woman with dreams and they are scared of you. They know that you are fuel and with little fire, you will explode. I know you can explode. You were born to explode. – and all these abuse and disrespect you faced or might be facing is for a reason. And the only reason is to replace your fuel with water- but you won’t let them, because you are a fighter. You won’t sit there and let them take advantage of you. Not anymore. You will rise and show the world that they tried but you are stronger. You would be a figure that shows the transformation of pain to power. You will rise and be a voice to the voiceless. You are strong! And I admire you!

“Your pain will become your power, trust me”.

-Yommy Ayilara




THE FACELESS

There is a line between staying in the spotlight and resting on the pathetic edge of a group of laws. It is overwhelming that being different is categorized as being wrong, being confident is seen as being loud and opening up is said to be too revealing.
So much pressure on a set of people and so much expectations from beings who are not given the chance to explore. Misogyny has made a lot of dreams a “once upon a time” story and so many big deals are buried based on an angle of what is not.
It is a gift to be gifted with life. Life is life and it should not be made different because of the carrier. Whether a female body or a male body. A life is just – a life. It is as important, as relevant and as unique. A purpose should and can be driven. If there is a life, there is symbolically a purpose. A reason to live which should never be shut out because of something as little as “gender”.
A group should not be exempted, and if exempted, should not stay exempted. Women should not be exempted. It is a call for a call. A big “NO” to customs and traditions that are faceless. I call them faceless because they are there without authors, no basic reason to exist, no prompt reason to be there, no excuse to make it up for a day and there is absolutely no reason for anyone to be subject to the faceless.
Ever had dreams that dared you to come out of your comfort zone and be that person that the whole world looked up to? How well do you carry that light that has been buried deep down inside of you because you are a woman? How often do you express yourself without fear of being shut up and devastated for a thing as little as your gender?
There is a revelation of breakthrough, a reason and a hope call for all. It is a reason to shine and fight again, a reason to hold on because you and I exist and there is nothing anyone can do about it.Women exist and should be convinced to fight and make a statement. A statement, so  that this existence leaves an impact and great dreams lay examples and clears the road for beautiful women of generations to come.
Women are fighters, born out of passion and reasons to shine. Baked and ready by the environment and exposure that has been laid down in the plan. The rules that were met. All stated without authors. “They said” is all that is heard. Who said? What said? How was it said? , nobody can explain.
And you want to believe in a faceless list of barbaric doctrines? Stand out! Break free. Make a statement and be unapologetic for who you are or who you want to be. It’s a right to be respected as an entity. Respected for your existence.
Fight against misogyny and stand against violence and discrimination against women. Be a voice to the voiceless. And look forward to a future where there is peace and stability.
Say “NO” to the faceless, to the laws without references. A list of do’s and don’ts to oppress a group of people. If the rules cannot apply to all then they cannot apply to you. With a whole lot on your sleeves. It’s a pathetic encounter with what is in place and what is on the race. Various circumstances and a little bit off the bench and there is absolutely no time to be backward.
How dare you sit still because of THE FACELESS! You have a FACE and you are a WOMAN. A basic reason why THE FACELESS should not apply to you.  Speak up girl, society has no choice but to listen.
I realized barbaric standards set up foe women by society. And since I was told I had to live according to “standards”, I set “standards” for myself, and I do not forget to live by them.

Beautiful Tragedy.



My life is a beautiful tragedy
Lots of effort put to make the beautiful more than the tragedy
Tears, bitter enough to spite a drink
Sweat, abundant enough to make a stream
A little too worried about a reason to blossom
So much uncertainty, I can feel my heart flip over.

My smile is a beautiful tragedy
I try so hard to accept the beautiful
But I am remembered daily of restrictions
Restrictions because I am different
Because I am weird and because I am not meant to exist
A different and dominant entity, I am called
To do the dirty and smile while doing it, it's my cross
So heavy I have to bear with a smile
No tears to drop, I am created for this, I am informed.

My world is a beautiful tragedy
Tragedy upon tragedy and disregard to my fierceness
My strength is noticed, however, viewed as a threat
The world has seen it but the view is threatening
How can a smile be ugly and beautiful
I would have left a long time ago
But the string attached to the decisions made by me are unbreaking 
I would have said it in my little voice without a crack
My race is a beautiful tragedy
Panicking and stationed at a spot

Not a ray of hope on some days
Not a ray of loss on some days
In between, not losing, not winning
A beautiful tragedy 

Splits of opinions. Jars of emotions
Reasons are given
Acts defended
Of a few days ago or years, maybe
A beautiful tragedy

Do not say it out loud
Do not let my insecurity out the door
Let's box it and strain it eventually
Let's keep it and use it to our advantage 

My life to them is beautiful
I know, there is a little bit of everything else
Maybe, tragedy
The tragedy is expected anyway.
When there is war, the misogynistic people fall
The tragedy for them
My girls win
A beautiful life


A mix
Beauty and tragedy
Beautiful tragedy.

DREAMS



Sometimes they say a dream is meant to die or be forgotten
But, there is this furnace in me fueled daily by what is fed my eyes
So much power and fire in my drive to achieve and make a distinction.
I have searched, very far and painfully for a ray of actualization for this big dream
Rejected twice or more but a big deal I must confess

Rejection of a mass of teardrops and heartburns
Inspired by lost lives and reoccurring scars
Inspired by the abused mass of people, the raped number of people and the great concept of misogyny.
I have seen a number of oppressed and a number of women treated like trash to be disposed of

Rights dispensed and destroyed because of a difference in chromosome X and Y
Tears drop! A lot and in bulk.

In a bid to make a difference, a lot is in line.
A break between thinking normal and thinking big.
When a little bit of fear steps in
A little bit of hope bounces up
Insecurity is replaced with certainty
Certainty and what I am and what I want to be.

I want a new dimension for all.
It is realistic to dream big.
It is very possible to achieve it.
It is important to go wide and think wide.
A little bit of setback is not denial.
A little bit of stagnation would not mean a no
A no would not mean a never
It is worth it to keep trying
It gets hard but it can definitely get better.
Let's make this dream of equality come true.
You and I.

Perfectly Filtered.


Not a stain
Ball scrubbed and pale
Succumbing to the movement of the sieve
A little fast, slow and rough

A great one
A bundle of perfection
I am perfectly filtered
No pity, not needed

Respect not deep enough is not fit enough
Let no one come here or around with a list of care
On the surface to prove a point
No pity, no patty, based on a thing that cannot be changed

Step aside, give me space
Not a word to defend myself, I don't have to answer to you
Look away and do not wave
Not for a second do I think twice of what I say

Not for a moment do I regret a word published
Not a second of tears, wishing I could change it all right
A flow of love
Love enough for all and more

An even distribution would definitely not hurt
No pity, I am perfectly filtered
I am not dying or regretting my existence
I do not sit and hope for something different

Not for once have I laid in my bed, wishing I could change myself.
I do not want a pity view, pity respect or pity love
I would definitely get a hold of myself

"Perfectly filtered" because I am- You are too.

Just because I am a Woman!


A mess here and a mess there but my mess is bigger than yours
A spank there and a spank here but my spank is harder than yours
Segregation here and there because I don't have something you own
A mistake here and a mistake there but mine is brutal than yours
Tears there and pain here just because I am a woman!

Extra careful and extra mannered
A little bit obvious and extra conscious
Extra open and a little cold-hearted
Many demands a few efforts
Just because I am a woman.

Like a river boxed and force to remain still
How easy it is to say and hard to do
Flowing water cannot be stopped after all
The force and force until there is a flood of course
A little too stormy and dry at the same time
What a life of so much in time
Just because I am a woman

An outdated vogue
Stated and trusted
Tested and guaranteed
But a vogue of ages past should be outdated after all
An ideal set up high should change in the cause of time
It won't, they won't, they won't change mine or help mine
Just because I am a woman

In summary, I sit up, up enough to reach a conclusion
It is a long great view of what it is and what it is not
Just because I am a woman
My mistakes should not be greater than yours
Just because I am a woman
You should not be free when I am not

I refuse to keep my mouth shut
Just because I am a woman!

Persistence!


In a quest for the peak
There is a whole bunch of risks
Risks and fears to bring one low, low enough to touch the ground
Like in a war
In the twinkle of an eye, hope is lost
So much hope for the ones we planned

A giant ball, earth
There are uncertainties whether this round thing has wonders to offer
A dream too big, so big, it grows bigger daily
And the doubt grows uncontrollably and suffocates the mind
Eager and eager, with tears and pain
The fight and race
Run and fought without help expected
The struggle!

The struggle is real
The pain is unending
However, the goal is achievable
There is a reason to believe

Persistent and persistent for a great deal of success
The success that would last forever and stay permanently
A knot tied hard to a dream and the stress
Passing through a river of tears
Struggling to reach the brim of course
A package full of bliss
Through a struggle for peace

Oh, what a great deal of time
What a wonderful virtue to hold
The Spirit and strength to hold on and fight on
Not an easy talk but a great work

Persistent and persistent until growth is made
Growth with root so deep never to be cut off
Ignore the spray and cuts because the foundation is deep
Persistent and persistent in planting this dream
Watering and streaming for the perfect shape of peace
Nurturing and holding and taking care of everything

A fight and a struggle to plant that dream
A night without a nap to water that dream
A life full of bliss as the dream grows firm!