Rivers of fears πŸ’€. ( last 'more of me' for the year!).

So many times, I have heard a lot of words on how to persevere and how to hold on for just a little longer for ‘what is yours to get to you'. I have tried so much to believe and hold on to the things I’ve heard but generally, nothing makes sense to me. 

Maybe this is one of those stories where they say ‘I failed 50 times before getting an award' – just maybe. But this is definitely the toughest time. I have worked really hard just to fail at the end. I have fought so many times just to loose at war. 
I wish someone could give me a hint ‘Hey babe! You’re losing this' , so I don’t get my hopes up to watch the fall. I wish I could see the result before I begin. I wish I could see the ‘happy ever after' before the ‘once upon a time ‘. I just wish. 
Maybe I need some lines of those ‘online motivational speeches' lol.  They actually work sometimes. 

I am flowing in a river of what is not and what I want. In a space of failing and moving fast. One minute, it’s ‘I'm so proud of you' – next minute ‘I'm sorry you’re not qualified ‘. If you’re so proud of me, let me do this. Why can’t I do it? 

I am writing with fear in my heart. Fears replaced my tears. Fears about me, fears about you, fears about life. My mind is filled with so much ‘what ifs'. What if this doesn’t work out? What if? It’s so hard not to think this way! 
I know, I know I said I wished I could see the end, but, I obviously can’t. This is just the beginning. At first, I wanted to write to motivate you, but, I wouldn’t end it well because I need you to motivate me. 

I can’t give out what I don’t have. 
I’m still drowning in my rivers of fears. Hoping you’ll tell me everything would be fine. Would everything be fine? Or are you also unaware? 
Text me. 

Do I? Don't I? - (More of me)


Do I know what I’m doing, a little bit of life and I’m crumbling 

Is this really how I planned it, one little push and I come falling

I thought life was meant to be easy

A little fun, a little cool, and a little scarier

Well, maybe I did a lot of thinking 

And, I left out the real essence of living 

Don’t I know how to arrange things?

I thought I could handle everything because I claimed it 

Maybe I was just a little bit off it

Lately, that has been the only mood I cling to 

Am I lonely or am I being a baby?

Is this real? Or, am I just overreacting? 

Is this a post it is this just my jotting?

Would I post or would I just delete it?

It’s been a long while. Maybe not to you but definitely to me. 

I know I’d bounce back

Maybe soon, maybe later, but someday

Maybe close, maybe far, but eventually 

Deep down I feel this isn’t worth it

These words, these lines, this post entirely

But what is the essence of living?

I guess it’s to rough it, do it and do you

So, this is me doing ‘me’

Do I get it? No

Would I stop? No

Do I? Don’t I?